Trigger happy?

When people talk about being triggered it can be a source of controversy. Some of us react as if we are being told we have done something wrong.  The guilt we feel can drive us to learn another thing to avoid doing or saying. Some react with anger to what is seen as “snowflake” behaviour associated with millennials and the culture of identity. Personally, I have come to find the phrase “I’m feeling triggered” to be very helpful for reasons I will explain but first let's address what I see as a common misconception of what it means to be triggered.  

In my understanding, I am triggered when someone says or does something which causes (or triggers) an emotional reaction in me. This reaction is usually related to some past experience.  In IFS we would describe this as a part being activated. The reaction is usually related to a past experience of mine and can be painful or distressing. The feelings from that time are triggered into action. Most of the time – the reaction I have to this present stimulus is individual to me.  For example, I get irritated when people offer me unsolicited advice. I have past reasons for this – but I know that everyone doesn't have the same reaction, and that some people welcome being given advice without asking for it. The fact that I am triggered doesn't mean that people shouldn't give me advice. I may decide to make that as a request to people in know – but requests are separate from triggers.  

Let's be clear – I'm not talking about oppressive or harmful behaviour. Behaviour which anyone would reasonably have an adverse reaction like racism, homophobia or bullying. Of course, it’s not always clear where the lines are. This is for individuals and groups to work out.  

I’m also making a distinction between being triggered and being re-traumatised. While normal triggers can bring back unpleasant memories, or even provoke strong emotional reactions, retraumatizing events are especially powerful triggers that somehow recreate the intense dynamics associated with the original traumatic encounters or episodes.  

Most of the time when people are triggered – it’s relating to behaviour which is within an acceptable range.  This is where the use of language like “I’m feeling triggered” or the IFS language of speaking for parts rather than from them, can be useful. By speaking for parts, I mean phrases such as “part of me felt angry, upset, frightened, sad, when you...” It acknowledges the reaction without it having to be representing the whole of me and – most importantly – it locates the reaction, activation or triggering as happening within me.  

This is, in my view, a helpful alternative to common ways of describing our emotional experience such as: “you hurt me”, “you pissed me off”, “you made me sad.” These expressions are probably coming directly from hurt parts of us and are implying a causal link between what has been said or done and our feelings. These phrases will often elicit defensive (protective) reactions on behalf of the “triggerer”, usually because they had no conscious intention to cause this set of emotions.  

The important thing is – saying I am triggered is not the end of the conversation – usually it’s just the beginning. Noticing my triggers (or trailheads as we say in IFS) can be a good indication of areas to work on in therapy or self-development. It can also prompt me to make requests of people in my network to change or avoid certain ways of talking or acting around me while I work on this. The word “request” is important here as it means that the other person can say no. This would probably lead to further negotiations. (I am acknowledging the ideas of Non-Violent communication here).  

I am grateful for the language of triggering and speaking for parts. It has made a big difference in my ability to communicate my internal experience without making others responsible for it. It has helped me to learn the difference between requests and implied demands. If this makes me a snowflake, I’m guilty as charged.