I regularly hear people – including myself - saying the phrase “It is what it is”. I usually have a bit of a reaction to it – which I will explain – but I’ve been thinking lately that it really is a phrase with two sides. (Is that a mixed metaphor? It is what it is!) My negative or critical reaction to “It is what it is” goes something like this. I interpret as people saying:
“There is no point in having or voicing any feelings about whatever it is, because doing so wouldn’t make any difference to the outcome.”
This is often true – depending on what you think the outcome is. Clearly expressing sadness, disappointment or anger about having missed a train isn’t going to bring the train back or magic up a new one. The question for me is – what is the impact on me if I have feelings internally and can’t express them? Sometimes they just go away – in which case “It is what it is” is at best effective and at worst harmless. Sometimes they gnaw away at me, having an impact on my wellbeing and relationships – in which case maybe finding a way to express them would have been helpful.
What about times when we struggle to express feelings without them being so intense that they can overwhelm us or others around us. In this scenario “It is what it is.” is probably a good way of finding perspective and helping us to regulate our feelings. Of course there are other ways to develop self-regulation as well. We can learn calming techniques such as breathing exercises. We can get to know the parts of ourselves which cause overwhelm and ask them to dial things down a bit.
For me the therapy room is a good place to look at habitual phrases we use like “It is what it is.” What does it mean for us? Are we worried about expressing feelings? Was this something we were told not to do? Do we get overwhelmed by our feelings and work hard to keep them at bay? Do phrases like this help with our needs to keep setbacks in perspective. I’m interested to hear your thoughts.
Comments