We all know what it’s like to be driven by parts of ourselves. When a friend tells me I’m very busy and a little voice inside says “You’re being told off – you’ve done something wrong” and I find myself justifying my jam-packed calendar with a defensive tone – that’s a part! When I’ve had a hard day, and a voice tells me I just have to have that extra glass of wine and bag of crisps at 10 o clock – that’s a part! When my client justifies his 70-hour working week with a sigh of “It is what it is!” – that’s a part!
So what’s happening when I am able to speak for parts rather than from them? What if I was able to tell my friend that “part of me feels told off when you say I’m very busy” and tell myself – “it’s OK to feel defensive – it makes sense given your history”?
What if I take a breath when the urge to eat and drink comes and remember to journal my feelings and write about how I understand the part which wants to numb out the feelings of stress?
What if my client tells me that part of him feels that it has no choice but to work all those hours because it fears something bad will happen if it doesn’t?
In IFS we call this the self. Other traditions have different words for similar notions. The higher self, the spirit or inner wisdom. This is a part of us which is not harmed by our experiences, it doesn’t hold unhelpful beliefs, in fact it isn’t a part at all. The self or “self-energy” is characterised by the presence of these following 8 qualities all starting with “C”.
· Compassion
· Curiosity
· Calm
· Confidence
· Connectedness
· Courage
· Creativity
· Clarity
Any thought, emotion or urge which does not embody these qualities is a part. When we are able to unblend parts from the self – by knowing that they are a part and finding out about them – the self is able to offer healing to the parts through these qualities.
Examples of the presence of self-energy are:
· Feelings of compassion to parts of ourselves which seem unlovable, such as demanding or needy parts.
· Curiosity towards parts of ourselves which we have previously wanted to get rid of such as addictive or compulsive parts.
· A calm response to anxious or overwhelming parts of ourselves.
We often find our self-energy by asking the question – how do I feel towards that part? If the answer does not embody one of the 8 “C”’s – the feeling is a part. If it does – we are in self.
When do you notice these qualities in thinking about aspects of yourself or others?
Next time I’ll talk about what IFS calls Exiles.
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