In previous blogs we talked about Managers, those busy parts of us which run our lives in the fear that if they don’t do this, some vulnerability will be exposed. We talked about Firefighters, those frantic parts of us will use any distraction available to protect our vulnerability.
What are the vulnerable parts that these protectors are so committed to keeping safe and hidden? In Internal family systems therapy we call them Exiles. They are often young parts of us which have been hurt, neglected, impacted by past trauma or difficult experiences. These experiences in themselves don’t create exiles – it is the experience when combined with strong messages that the feelings associated with this experience are not welcome or acceptable. The feelings are “Exiled” and the protector parts emerge to try to prevent this rejection or non-acceptance from recurring.
The unhelpful messages we call burdens and common examples include:
· You’re too needy! (don’t show your needs)
· You’re too selfish! (don’t put your needs first)
· You’re too loud/ quiet (don’t express yourself or your feelings as you are)
· You’re too much/ not enough! (who you are is not good)
· You’re too demanding! (don’t ask for what you need)
· You’re too dependent/ weak! (don’t show people when you need help)
These burdens are associated with feelings of shame, fear, worthlessness, guilt, anger, responsibility, hopelessness, loneliness, emptiness, and grief.
A client asked me today if it was OK to talk about the feeling on his mind. His “considerate” manager was making sure that I didn’t think he was taking up too much space or being too demanding.
Another client regularly lists all the things he doing to look after his needs. His “independent” manager ensures that he is not thought of as needing too much help.
A third client often laughs when he talks about being rejected. His “joker” firefighter needs to move quickly away from his sad and lonely feelings in case they are seen.
Of course, we can’t just free all the exiles and expect everything to be fine. This would be like having our lives ruled by small children. IFS offers an opportunity to get to know these vulnerable parts and the protectors who try to keep them safe. It offers the possibilities of updating these unhelpful beliefs or burdens in a process we call Unburdening. It offers the chance of healing these hurt parts though access to our unburdened Self with its qualities of compassion, calm, curiosity and the other “C”’s.
Do you notice feelings or behaviour in you which induces dread of exposure? Do you feel triggered into feeling vulnerable in ways which you can’t predict? Do you work hard on the way you are seen by others and have a sense that who you are wouldn’t be accepted? These may be clues to your own particular exiles. IFS and other therapies can help bring self-acceptance and healing to these parts.
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