So how does this IFS stuff actually work in practice? As I explained in the last episode, it’s about creating more space in our systems so that all our parts can co-exist in greater harmony. The thing is – parts can take a bit of convincing that this is a good idea! They don’t know that they are parts. They often just know about their roles and are pretty scared about what will happen if they stop doing them.
We call parts which are trying to stop bad things happening “Protectors”. Other forms of therapy might call them defence mechanisms. There are two sorts of protectors, and this blog is about our proactive protectors which we call “Managers”.
Managers have the motto “Never again”. They came into existence because something happened to cause hurt, pain or shame. They don’t want this to happen again, so they work very hard to prevent it.
A client of mine was bullied for being overweight as a teenager – so he developed a “keep fit manager” which was obsessed with exercise. This was helpful for making him athletic and he ended up working as a personal trainer. He came to therapy when he became anxious about the thought of having a baby with his wife. His keep fit manager was terrified that he wouldn’t be able to exercise.
He also had a “people pleasing manager” whose role was to keep him safe by making sure people like him. Both managers were explored, understood and accepted in therapy. This helped them to relax more, allow him to be more open about his needs and he ended up becoming a father.
Another common example of a manager is a perfectionist part. If you have been regularly shamed for making mistakes as a child, a manager may develop with a role of making people see you as never making mistakes. This part may drive you very hard and might help you achieve professional success. It can also create anxiety and health problems as mistakes are inevitable. Therapy can help identify this role and the vulnerable part it is protecting. This part can be helped to understand that its mistakes did not point to inherent flaws. Healing can follow, with perfectionist parts being able to take a less extreme role like fact checking or research.
What are your managers? What are the parts of you which keep things working by keeping vulnerable emotions at bay? What happens when they don’t succeed?
Next time we’ll talk about the other protector role called “Fire-fighters”
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