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Bring in the new

Writer's picture: barry goltenbarry golten

What does the new year mean to you? Clearly, it’s a concept that humans have devised. It’s not the shortest day and the sun and moon don’t celebrate it. I grew up with two new year’s. The “normal” drinking one where you made resolutions and watched Jools Holland and the Jewish one in the autumn which is a much more austere occasion marked by self-evaluation and atonement.

 



For me – however much I tell myself that I don’t have to go along with this – the new year remains a time where I seek to shake off bad habits and adopt new ones which fit better with the idea of the person I think I’d like to be.

As a counsellor – I find this process to be full of complexities and potential pitfalls.

Are the bad habits really bad or are the just things others don’t like. Have they served a purpose in my life which means that they deserve some respect or appreciation before I let go of them – like an old worn-out jumper which no longer keeps me warm but feels comforting to touch. Is the process of shedding behaviours riven with self-criticism, or self-punishment? This often causes a backlash from the parts driving this behaviour and means that changes are short lived.

What about the shiny new ways we are hoping to make part of our routine’s. How much are we committed to them or are they just fads we have picked up from friends or social media? To what extent does this desire to change reflect some deep lying discomfort with who we are? The paradoxical theory of change from Gestalt therapy states that:

“change happens when people accept who they are, rather than trying to be someone else“.

Where does counselling come into this? In just a few sessions with a counsellor, many of these issues can come to the surface. What do you want to change? What has got in the way if you have tried this before? What difference might this change make to your life and relationships? What parts of you are threatened by change and what do they need? Talking this through with a skilled and neutral person can make all the difference.                     

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Barry Golten

Counsellor - Registered Member BACP 386015

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